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LAURA CRAIK IS UPFRONT

Laura Craik on how London’s mums are turning to hocus-pocus, her new lust for breathless
news coverage and the Covid It couple

Is it November? Nobody really knows. The usual markers aren’t available. ‘When should we start playing Christmas music?’ asked my daughter. Since September, she and her friends have been making their own pre-Christmas entertainment via the medium of festive TikToks, with a stoicism that bodes well for their mental health. No Christmas parties? Never mind: here’s a video of Bae dancing to ‘Let It Snow’ in a reindeer suit and a tinsel crown.

While the kids are showing a resilience beyond their years, the mums have gone Full Psycho. Or rather, Full Psychobabble. Having previously dismissed all magic as ‘hippy bollocks’, they have taken to burning sage, bulk-buying palo santo and writing meaningful words on bits of paper before setting light to them in saucepans because the cauldrons they ordered from Amazon still haven’t arrived.

This is because they have decided they’re witches. They’ve always suspected it, but after manifesting a Waitrose slot, they’re now absolutely sure.

For their families, their new-found obsession can be challenging to live with. There is a lot of gazing at the Moon while murmuring, ‘she speaks to me’. Opine that you hope foreign holidays will be back on the menu soon, and you’ll be told to manifest.

“If channelling Maleficent
helps get you
through
lockdown, nobody should judge”

For the witch, manifesting is the key to improved health, happiness and spiritual healing. ‘I’m just off to manifest,’ she will say, disappearing into the bedroom with a bottle of red wine.

If you live with a witch, you’ll already know that Wednesday last week was a prime day for manifesting. You thought 11 /11 was significant for being Remembrance Day? Nah. It was all about the powerful influx of double Master 11 energies combined with the psychic gifts of the number 2. If channelling Maleficent helps get you through lockdown, nobody should judge.

And if lockdown ends on 2 December, who’s to say it wasn’t down to our collective powers of manifestation? The way the country is currently being run, we might as well put the witches in charge.

Weighing up anchors

The biggest winner of lockdown? CNN. You don’t need to watch it any more — Biden has won — and yet you can’t quite wean yourself off. You’ve tried to go back to BBC news, but the theme tune is annoying and everybody speaks way too slowly; you are now accustomed to the John King style of delivery, which involves saying as many words as possible without drawing breath.

To amuse yourself, you have started speaking in CNN. ‘Will the dinner go down well tonight? Let’s put it into context. It’s chicken. Traditionally, chicken is a tough sell. If we talk about chicken as a potentially decisive dish, then we can make a projection based on what we have. And what we have is chicken. With chips. You have to be incredibly cautious in this environment. The verdict? We’ll know more in an hour.’

Marriage wows

If there’s one thing 2020 has taught us it’s that not all marriages are equal. Nobody said relationships were easy. Unless, that is, you are Uğur Şahin and Özlem Türeci.

While everyone else is slowly going gaga from the enforced familiarity that comes from WFH with your partner at the same shonky kitchen table, so accordant are this husband and wife that they have managed to invent a vaccine for Covid-19, an elite level of #couplegoals that puts John Legend and Chrissy Teigen to shame. Legends, both.

HOT:
Whitney for palace

What better way to mark Houston’s inauguration into rock’s Hall of Fame than with a skatewear collab? I’m saving all my £ for you.

NOT:
smoke machines

Look forward to going clubbing again by all means, but don’t expect dry ice: it’ll all have been deployed to keep the vaccine cool.