Laura Craik on toasting Christmas in whatever guise it takes, actually writing cards and festive celebrity make-up collabs
I’m glad we’re all being let out again — at least in some capacity — because I’d started having terrible dreams. I’ve had a spectacular falling out with three of my friends; I’ve had my favourite necklace ripped off my neck by a boy who looked like Matt Goss; and I’ve been in a toilet cubicle refusing drugs in case I catch Covid off the £20 note. I wake up exhausted. We all do.
Lockdown has made all but the most committed introverts realise that hell isn’t other people. Hell is Zoom meetings, vacuuming, cheese sandwiches, broken wardrobe doors, slow wi-fi, leaking dishwashers, temperamental boilers and the creeping realisation that the less we’ve done, the more tired we’ve become.
So here’s to doing things. Any things. All of the things. Yes, December in London will be different. There might not be any pantos, gigs, ice skating, office parties, Christmas fairs or Winter Wonderlands, but their absence will only make the things we can do more precious.
As someone who lives life under the expectation that she could be run over by a bus at any given moment (I experienced a lot of death in the first five years of my existence: the fomo is real) it’s strange to feel in synch with everyone else for once. Cancelling is cancelled. People are saying a ‘big fat yes’ to everything.
“So what if we can’t socialise indoors: just stick a giant tarpaulin over London and be done with it”
Do I want to go to a DJ and drag show brunch hosted by Jodie Harsh? You had me at ‘bottomless bubbles’. Pints in The Stag’s tented winter garden? Name your time. Cheesy fondue in a champagne chalet at Pergola Paddington? Bring it on. Wreath-making and mulled wine in a friend’s garden?
That’ll do nicely.
A stroll through the Tunnel of Light enjoying Christmas at Kew? Yes, yes and thrice yes. So what if we can’t socialise indoors: just stick a giant tarpaulin over London and be done with it. Sure, central heating is great, but so too is the warmth of much-missed friends. So dance like nobody’s watching. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Sing like nobody’s listening. And above all, live like a global pandemic is about to strike at any minute.
They may demand we eat substantial meals in pubs, but they’ll never take our freedom!
After years of sending e-cards that your parents didn’t understand and your friends didn’t bother opening, you suddenly feel moved to do something quaintly old-fashioned: buy Christmas cards. This is not the year to mutter that you won’t be sending any ‘because of the environment’: it was always a cover for your own laziness and besides, the DPD driver knows it’s a lie.
It’s time to crack open the Baileys and write heartfelt sentiments to your friends and family about how much you’ve missed them, while ‘Fairytale of New York’ plays softly in the background. The Christmas card is back, and if I can find any I like, you might even receive one.
Never did I ever think I’d want to buy make-up from Kylie Jenner, but that’s 2020 for you: always with the surprises. So here I sit, disappointed at missing out on her Kylie x The Grinch holiday collection, in collaboration with Dr Seuss (not literally: he died in 1991), which sold out within minutes.
Never mind the quality: the packaging alone made it worth the purchase price. But wait. If lurid green Grinch-like make-up can sell out so fast, surely there’s scope for more flattering celeb x Christmas film collabs. Fenty Beauty x It’s A Wonderful Life? Victoria Beckham Beauty x Love Actually? I’d buy it.
Its flavanols increase mental agility, making cognitive tasks easier. I’ll try anything at this point.
As irritating on I’m
A Celeb... as he was
on the Daz Doorstep Challenge, TBH.