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Laura Craik prepares us all for the football dunces, is still reeling from Eurovision cool and offers a cycling Lycra reality check

It’s time to play ‘Watching The Euros With People Who Aren’t Into Football’ bingo! Roll up, roll up! Come and have your enjoyment ruined by ignorant, irritating and ill-timed comments! It’s not as though you’ve been waiting a year longer than usual.

Clickety-click (66): your wife is asking who the good-looking one is in the blue top; no, not that one, that one. The one near the goal thingy… oh wait, he’s moved. She thinks he looks like Timothée Chalamet. Don’t you think he looks like Timothée Chalamet? Lovely hair.

Cup of tea (3): your boyfriend decides he is hungry and launches into a detailed description of every Franco Manca pizza variant, setting off a chain of events that culminates in the Deliveroo driver arriving just as the match slides into extra time.

Two fat ladies (88): your housemate, who thinks he’s John Motson but only ever watches the World Cup, is currently explaining why Germany’s defence post-Miroslav Klose is lacking a world-class No 9, and should revert to the tried and tested 4-2-3-1 formation of old.

“Your wife is asking who the good-looking one is in the blue top; no, not that one, that one. The one near the goal thingy”

Unlucky for some (13): your partner has had too many lunchtime Budvars and is ranting about the England kit, how stupid the shorts look and why the Italian kit is so much nicer because it was inspired by traditional mosaics from the Renaissance period.

Full house: your toddler wakes up from its nap, screams the house down, is pacified with a cupcake, smears the icing over the rug, waddles over to the TV and starts doing an impression of Pingu, obscuring the very moment that Harry Kane scores the deciding semi-final goal. Bingo!

You think it’s all over? It is now — for another four (or three) years. Screw the haters: come June 2024, you’re off to watch it live in Germany, and woe betide any global pandemic that tries to stop you.

Fair-weather fans:
get ready to be annoyed

Euro... smash?

Something is wrong. Two weeks after Eurovision, and I’m still playing ‘Zitti e Buoni’ in my car and googling ‘Måneskin London gig dates’, even though I don’t like rock music. This isn’t supposed to happen. You’re only meant to be #obsessed with Eurovision for the 3.5 hours it’s on TV, after which point you completely forget about it.

So why have I been watching old Måneskin performances on YouTube? Why do I now know that they started out busking on the streets of Milan? Is it that Måneskin are credible and good? But they can’t be. They won Eurovision. Can you win Eurovision and be cool? Is that even possible? I don’t even know any more.

Vicious cycle

You’ve had a tough week and are looking forward to a gentle Saturday stroll in Regent’s Park with your beloved dog/friend/kids who’ve accompanied you on sufferance after being bribed with ice cream and threatened with no iPads for a week if they don’t put their f***ing shoes on.

As you cross the Outer Circle, your Zen-like calm is shattered by a furious ‘WATCH OUT!’ You wait. And wait. But still they come: herds of MAMILS cycling with a fury that wouldn’t be out of place in the Tour de France, but is pathetic and dangerous on a busy road in the middle of a park that happens to be circular. Guys. Any chance you can vent your anger issues in a way that’s less perilous to humans? PS: your Lycra bodysuits look stupid.

a third gender

Sara Ramirez has joined the cast of the new Sex And The City reboot, becoming the show’s first-ever non-binary character.

a third gender

The Government has ‘no plans’ to recognise non-binary as a gender identity, claiming it would raise ‘complex practical consequences for other areas of the law’.